what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
