someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Also, beer. Big fan.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
