I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
