my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
