Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
