i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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