FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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