I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
