Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
