before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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