Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
