Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
