just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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