Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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