just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
