That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
