omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
