He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I am available for nakedness
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
