Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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