my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
