I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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