Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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