first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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