The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
