Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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