I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
