i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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