Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
