We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
