the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
