I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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