Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
