I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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