I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
