dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
