So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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