the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
