Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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