Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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