My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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