dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
