Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
