i always forget guys have bellybuttons
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
