I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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