There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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