apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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