News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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