I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
