new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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