Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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