now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
