just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
