just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
