i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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